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Tiny Milestones

I used to resist the idea of therapy so hard. I just had no use for it and thought it would be terrible. I'm working with a great therapist now, and I wish I had been ready for her at 18 or 19. But no.

I used to say, “I lived through all of that once. Why would I want to relive it?” That was my stock defense against therapy whenever someone suggested it, or I heard something about it. Not an option. Been there, done that, no thank you.

But I didn't realize then how those habitual thoughts carve such deep grooves into our psyches, how those fears and coping mechanisms of childhood linger in muscle and brain, and just how fucking scared I really was to create these coping mechanisms of steel, concrete and blood.

I didn't know that the tiny child who was frightened and confused would linger, and how unreasoning her fears were. How could she reason? She was a baby.

I believe that child feels in some way that she will be in mortal danger if these walls come down. So much so that she barely allows me to try it. She wants to hide.

I have ambitious goals. I could lessen them and ease the load on myself. But I don't want to. I looked at my goals and didn't see anything I'd want to get rid of. Really all I want is a magic wand—is that too much to ask?

Instead, what I do is come back to my baby steps.

Baby steps do feed into my “you're not doing it right” routine, but I've learned over the decades that those tiny steps lead to big movement. This morning while exercising (a tiny step) I noticed muscle definition in my shoulders. Lotsof muscle definition. I could see my muscles moving under my skin as I moved the weights up and down. I could feel the power in my arms. I thought I looked beautiful.

Then I tried the tree yoga pose, another thing I was unable to do before I started working out. I held it on both legs, not tipping over. Then because that was so exciting, I did another balancing pose, tipping my back leg parallel to the floor and stretching one arm forward and the other back. Once again, I held the pose on both legs, not tipping over.

These are tiny milestones but I'm very happy about them today!

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Years ago you taught me baby steps with changing that little voice in our head. It has taken a lot of work, but it has served me so well in my self care journey! And as I get older and have to do the same to my feet, I remember those days so well! I can't ever thank you enough for the love you showed me as the neighbor girl. You are so amazing and I am so very grateful to know you and still get to learn amazing little lessons from you, even states away.

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